Stephen Hawking: He's Fucking With Us Right?

Yo, Stephen Hawking, I really have to ask- are you actually smart? Or, are you just an incredibly amazing snake-oil salesmen?

Check out this article, here.

I guess Hawking was promoting some new show about the universe (unrealted, but, seriously click on that link. Seriously, PBS? Did you design your site in 1997 using GeoCities? What a piece of shit, go get some graphic design interns.). Which I have yet to see, but really, aren't every single one of those 'universe' shows the exact same shit with a new scientist telling us the same garbage with new graphics?

Not Stephen Hawking's New Show

Anyways, he came out with these shocking and revolutionary statements:

"Such scenes are speculative, but Hawking uses them to lead on to a serious point: that a few life forms could be intelligent and pose a threat. Hawking believes that contact with such a species could be devastating for humanity."

"He suggests that aliens might simply raid Earth for its resources and then move on: 'We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.'"

Really, Steve? Running out of ideas? I guess when you write the history of time, what else is left? Let me just go to IMDB and pull some plot synopsizes from Independence Day:

"...it reveals its species travels from planet to planet, destroying all life and harvesting a planet's natural resources before moving on."

"The aliens are coming and their goal is to invade and destroy. Fighting superior technology..."

The second one is on the first damn page! His scientific theory is literally jacked straight from a completely dated (ooh, just watched it, kind of sad how dated it is) Will Smith popcorn blockbuster. I imagine his next book will be titled "How to Destroy an Alien Mothership Using Only Your Macintosh LC"

Don't Eff With Us E.T. We Got DOS!

Steve is a total ripoff artist. Movies he might have watched before coming up with his complex deduction: War of the Worlds, Fantastic 4: Rise of Silver Surfer, Mars Attacks, Avatar (in reverse), Starship Troopers, Star Trek: First Contact , Star Trek: The One With the Whale, pretty much every Star Trek... you know what? How about every SciFi movie ever.

Has this asshat ever invented shit? The internet? Hoverboard? PlayStation? Begal Bites? No. So he's done exactly jackshit.

Popular Stephen Hawking Inventions

I think we're all being blinded by the wheelchair; this guy is sitting on his high horse(chair?) calling us all stupid bastards, here's proof:

Pic of the Day

Vol. (I Don't Remember, let's say) 4

Sorry, I've been lazy about new post lately. Two factors are key to this: I'm lazy and I've been busy. Oh well, stop your bitchin, here's the Pic of the day:

Setup: These two photos come via me from my Thailand excursion (yeah, the one five months ago).



In America, we would need a minivan to transport the whole fam and luggage (at the very least a crossover). Thailand, nope. Hop on a scooter, drop mom off at the airport, take Timmy to soccer practice, and you still have time to riot about some shit.

So, why did I make a couple of pics from 5 months ago Pics of the Day (You're clearly lazy [no, thanks though, dick.])? Well I'm going to China today/tomorrow. I'm really really hoping to one up this picture.

By all accounts China is supposed to be a ridiculously crazy world. I want to take a picture of Godzilla, riding a rickshaw, while eating a dog named Rex, wearing knock-off 'Niek' shoes.

Just got me a pair of Arm Gordans!

I also want to catch a shot of a Chinamen sleeping. Apparently they can sleep anywhere and in any position.

Even if I don't snap a ridiculous picture, I do know one thing: I'm unleashing Justin Bieber onto an unexpected billions.

Let the revolution begin, again!

Links of the Week

1. 7-11 is coming out with beer? I promise you- this beer will suck complete balls. It will also be dirt cheap. Here's a clue for everyone out there: "If you're so poor that you can only afford 7-11 brand beer then you don't need to be buying alcohol"*

* High school and college kids excluded.

Future 7-11 brand beer drinker

2. Whoa- this is ridiculous. Umm, these pictures look like they are straight out of Friday, or Pineapple Express, or Half Baked, or Dazed and Confused, or Cheech and Chong: Up in Smoke, or Cheech and Chong: Still Smokin, or Grandma's Boy. My point: is this real? I'm skepcical, especially with the picture of the two 13 year-olds taking bong hits in a crowded park. Some people take made-up holidays way to seriously.

Picture from one of the above listed movies or actual picture from an English newspaper?

3. So, this program claws itself to all sectors of your computer, slows things down, disrupts the internet, constantly has meaningless updates. Trojan Worm? No, I'm talking about virus protection software. Seriously, virus programs are almost just as bad as the actual virus.

Viruses are pretty shitty though. I mean, how much loss of productivity is there because of trying to fix computers or installing some god-awful anti-virus software? Can we put this in dollars? Billions, right? Or, more.

What if someone (looking your way Mr. Gates) just put, like. a million dollar hit on a few virus creators? Would this detour some of these pimply face dick heads? Maybe, instead of collectivity pissing off the entire planet- they will stick to World of Warcraft.

He's so happy because he just hacked your banking account and deleted your term paper with one line of code!

4. The World Cup is coming up, for those of you who don't know (Americans). It's in South Africa. By all accounts, that country is a dangerous shit hole (didn't you see District 9?). I asked two South African girls what they thought about their country hosting the World Cup, they just laughed and said they were happy they weren't going to be in the country.

This is a pretty funny Q/A section of some South African newspaper. It's and interview with the Johannesburg (Joburg for short, I guess) Mayor. He pretty much is made to look like a complete idiot, funny stuff, I'm surprised he let the questioning continue (no PR guys in S.Africa?)

Wait a second, that's not the mayor, thats the dad from Family Matters.

5. Is this life imitating art or art imitating life? So, in the most recent South Park episode Muslim-extremest are getting shit on (just like everyone else). Basically because they go crazy when anyone shows Muhammad, for any reason. In the episode they "hid" him so the town doesn't get bombed. Now, in real life, these ass hats are threatening to kill the South Park creators because they are making fun of Muslim extremist (showing Muhammad in a bear suit, it's not 'showing' him, right?) that are willing to kill people when someone shows Muhammad. Kind of a strange loop.

Popular religious figures from around the world. With one exclusion...

UPDATE: I guess the boys took these douchebags seriously. The newest episode has now been crazily censored. Wow, well, just to shut them up- what if we bombed a county who shares their religious views, oh wait a second...

6. A middle class, white guy, from rural-ish Oklahoma. Doesn't fit the bill for aspiring rappers. But, becoming a rapper is exactly what this nondescript cracker is trying to do.

Isn't that this guy is outside of the cookie cutter mold a good thing? Nowadays, every rapper has the same story. Grew up in rough part of (insert big city), no dad, had to be man of house, sold drugs, got into the rap game, got spotted by (insert already famous rapper x) and was featured on a hit club song. Came out with his own album, blew up.

Cycle, rinse, repeat.


We need a new story, even the most famous white rapper has the exact same story (nope, sit down Vanilla Ice). So, you may think he's crazy for attempting this. But you have to at the very least respect him for chasing a dream. Especially while so many of us have settled for far less than our dreams. Good luck Josh Sallee, check his stuff out:

This is Why You're Fat

Sometimes I'm very embarrassed to be an American. This would be one of those times:

Umm... really?

If you don't know, this is KFC's new Double Down sandwich. I think they call it the 'Double Down' because if you eat one you are literally betting against living. Luckily, for KFC, Obama just passed Health Care and got rid of the preconditions thing. Eating a Double Down would have been a great precondition to not give someone health insurance. Thanks a lot Obama.

Just a coincidence that KFC JUST released the Double Down?

Seriously, I get mildly nauseous looking at this thing. How can someone really eat this thing? We've already found out why Americans are fat- Dunkin Donuts awesome waffle sandwich. This is why we will continue to remain that way.

The government has been trying to figure out this 'fat' conundrum. I just want to say stop it. It's no mystery, look at that shit. Two fried pieces of chicken, bacon, cheese, mayonnaise, and clogged arteries. Where's the mystery?

Americans like to be fat, we also like to pretend we don't want to be fat.

I'll give you an analogy: someone keeps saying they hate their incredibly easy job, so they want to get a new one. They start sending out their resume. The catch, they're sending a blank piece of paper for the resume.

Just like Americans saying they don't want to be fat.

Everyone is 'trying' not to be a lardass, but shit is just too damn delicious.

Typical American Thinking

Fat lady: I'll have the Double Down meal.
Fat Guy: Ooh, that might be a bit fattening.
Fat Lady: You know you're right, I'll take a Diet Coke too.

Behold! Diet Coke, the answer to all health problems!

It started with the Baconator a while back, then to Dunkin Donuts waffle sandwich, now this. The pissing match is on. Here are some upcoming products about to hit your thighs.

Mcdonalds:

The McMayonnaise Shake.

Made with real mayo!

Arby's:

Market Fresh Hunk 'o Meat.

No shavings here, just an enitre hunk of roast beef.

Burger King:

The Whopper Jr. Whopper

Just a normal Whopper topped with a Whopper Jr. (The sad part: this doesn't look too abnormal when compared to real fast food chain burgers)

Stay fat America...

Links of the Week

Here are some links that are pretty ridiculous from this week and my thoughts on them:

-Topless Womens March Held, Dudes Came to Watch, Lesbian Still Pissed About Being Born a Woman

Ty McDowell, who organized the march, said she was "enraged" by the turnout of men attracted to the demonstration.

Let me get this straight (no pun intended)- you organize a topless March in a public area, in a major city, dudes come to 'observe' the view, and you get angry. Do you live in the same reality as me? What fantasy lesbian world do you live in?

Fantasy Lesbian World I Live In

I know, I know, this butch is probably still pissed she wasn't born a man.

-Smoking on Submarines?

'We're going to stop smoking on submarines,' Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Gary Roughead told Navy Times on March 23.

You know what would be a better headline for this story? "You can smoke on a fucking submarine?" Seriously, you can smoke on a fucking submarine? You can't even smoke in a Subway now a-days. Yo, Navy, I think it's time to leave the 60's.

A Navy officer meeting on the nuclear submarine USS Sterling Cooper

Isn't this akin to smoking on airplanes? At least on an airplane you can open a window and get some fresh air (albeit, the pressure might kill you). But, on a sub if run out of air you're just kind of dead. Smoker's cravings are epic, I guess.


-Bullying in the Workplace

The two school districts are believed to be the only ones nationwide developing anti-bullying policies for their adult employees

So, this story is more about kids emulating adults. Which is all fine and good. But, bullying in the workplace? Here's how I feel about it:

It's really nice to be away from the pussification of America. America is turning into a bunch of pussies. You can't say this, you can say that. That's offensive, we got to respect blah blah blah. It's all shit. There's a chance you're offended by this paragraph. Well, all I have to say is- fuck you. (Sorry, mom.)

Bullying at work? Are we little kids? No, don't think so. Someone being a dick to you at work, I'll help you out:

Go fuckyoself

See, that was easy.

Don't be sad about it, don't be happy about it, just don't give a shit. People always assume you should be friends with people you work with. Well, this is a myth. Don't we already have a shit ton of friends? And, even if you don't- go join a club or something, a hoops league, anything. Don't let your life be consumed by work. Don't be those guys sitting around the bar talking about their next big sale with their co-workers/friends.


-The Glorious Leader and His Fabulous Style

The trademark suit sported by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il is now in fashion worldwide thanks to his greatness.

This one is pretty close to home. Literally, like 30 miles. And, yes, I can feel his fashion presence. It's just so profound. Everyone here is dressing like this dude, even me. Who doesn't love that earth-tone jumpsuit and massive shades. Obviously celebrities from around the world are getting in on the action:

See What I Mean?

Everyone is dressing like this guy. It's crazy. What a popular and awesome person. Why can't we just anoint him King of the World?

Have we ever seen Kim Jong Il and Kanye West in the same place at the same time? Hmmm...

Trailer Trash

Vol. 4

Well, it's April Fools Day. Basically an entire day where it makes it okay to lie about anything. I'm moving home, April fools! I have cancer, April fools! Hitler was right, April fools! Anything goes. Hollywood wanted to get in on the trickery too. Check out this new movie trailer, Prince of Persia: Click here, the dicks disabled embedding for some reason.

Too soon?

Did you catch the joke? Pretty obvious right? Jake Gyllenhaal as a Persian. Yep, someone is pulling the wool over our eyes. Clearly this is a joke, or someone just didn't pay much attention to geography in school.

I'm guessing the casting conversation went something like this:

Movie Exec 1: This Prince of Persia movie, lets book Will Smith
Movie Exec 2: Wait, are Persians black?
Movie Exec 1: I don't know, everything I know about Persians I learned from 300.
Movie Exec 2: Ah ok, I got it, the kid from Slumdog Millionaire, boom!
Movie Exec 1: Well, he's a similar shade, but aren't white Americans kinda tired of minorities?
Movie Exec 2: You're right, we need a safe choice, who's the whitest most wholesome guy in the Biz?

'Who needs history/geography books when we have movies?!' -Movie Execs and Texas Board of Education

... and the rest is history.

Anyways, video game movies usually are really shitty (I'm looking your way Super Mario Bros), so this will probably just be another steamy pile Hollywood loves to serve up every few years. Doesn't this look exactly like Scorpion King? Safe to say I'm rooting against this movie. Hollywood, make better decisions.

BREAKING NEWS- Paul Walker will be starring in the movie Freed as Fredrick Douglas

Link of the Day

Vol. 4

Bill Gates is a super genius. Chances are high that you're using something he had a hand in creating (or at least some half-wit next to you is using Internet Explorer). So, we should all rejoice that he made our lives easier (I know, I know, Windows has its problems, but come on, look what we had before). But, I think we are all overlooking something extremely dangerous about this man. He's clearly a supervillain.

Seriously, we can't be too pissed off about Windows

You maybe thinking that I'm crazy. But, check the facts and check the Link of the Day (<--- read this). Done reading yet? Yeah, he wants a nuclear reactor. A fucking nuclear reactor. Wars a fought over a countries that want nuclear power. And, this individual-single man wants one. How am I the only person saying "wait a minute, wtf?"

Early autographed photo of Bill Gates and Windows co-founder Paul Allen

Here are some subtle hints that he is planning on launching a missile into the moon, or some other crazy scheme he is hatching (Rule Number 3 for Supervillians: must 'hatch' 'schemes').

He's petty: So, Gates built a computing empire. Possibly one of the greatest business monopolies ever- in the history of the world. You are one of the most powerful people in the world. Yet, this guy is so petty and paranoid he won't let iPods into his house. The Gate's house isn't immune to the Microsoft monopoly. A guy who acts like this could be capable of much more sinister.

He's a dick: Bill Gate's wants to 'cure' malaria (more on this later). So, as the story goes, Gate's was speaking at an event and wanted to get get his point across. Instead of showing some people dying, like a normal person, he released a gang of mosquitoes into the crowd. What a dick, if he can do this on camera to a bunch of smart people, what would he secretly do to a bunch of dumb people?

What's wrong with using this, dick

He's a nerd: This guy got knocked around for most of his life. He had too. Did you see this picture of him:
I mean, this dude had to of gotten crammed into a few lockers. And, this picture was taken AFTER he was already pretty rich. Nerdy revenge never leaves. He is looking to get even, even now. Can't trust a guy like that.

He's ridiculously philanthropic: He gives a shit ton of money to causes all over the world. Almost too much money, too concerned. This can only be attributed to two theories: First, the last ounce of humanity in him is showing us the slightest bit of compassion before his master plan bludgeons society to death, crushing anyone in his path, and installing himself as supreme overlord. Second, it's the 2nd greatest cover of all time(number 1 greatest- GNR, Sweet Child o'Mine) before his master plan bludgeons society to death, crushing anyone in his path, and installing himself as supreme overlord.

World domination, what? Hey, here's a gigantic check.

So, you're thinking we're fucked. You may be right, but think back to Batman Begins, last scene. Gordan tells Batman this number:

We start carrying semi-automatics, they buy automatics. We start wearing Kevlar, they buy armor-piercing rounds... and you're wearing a mask and jumping off rooftops. Now, take this guy: armed robbery, double homicide. Got a taste for theatrical, like you. Leaves a calling card.

We all know the awesomeness that was set up by this quote

It works in the reverse too. This means when Gates becomes Bill "Steel" Gates then someone will step up. That's right, we will see our first real life superhero. Here's two of the most likely candidates:

Steve Jobs: This is fairly obvious. Jobs is Gate's biggest foil. He's the king of yuppie nerds (rapidly becoming too mainstream, gross), has a technological empire of his own, and could match Gate's ingenuity. The only issue is he was a former acid tripper (and user of copious amounts of other drugs). I can't really see him battling physically with a robotic Gates, too many bong hits. Lets leave him behind the scenes, he will act as sort of a Q (see James Bond) for this guy-

Richard Branson: Dude, this guy is like the real life Tony Stark. Baddass, thrill seeking, suave, billionaire. He has the resources to do everything that Iron Man does, just do it man. Come on, even if Crazy Bill doesn't try to take over the world you can still build the suit! Just go fight some Al Qaeda (a la exact plot from the movie).

Get on this guys, if anything you could license out the characters and make some money